Aliens Are Out There!… Just Not On Halloween

Luca DiGregorio, Rambler Staff Writer

During the Halloween season – full of ghouls, ghosts, goblins, monsters and such – there is one group vastly underrepresented: aliens. Little green Martian Men in flying saucers abducting farmers and sticking probes up where the sun doesn’t shine.
They have been clever, unlike other beasts, and have hidden themselves after humanity nearly discovered their presence on Mars. Hiding in the deeps of our imagination, our dreams. Some say they have been here since the dawn of man. Others say they’ve never gazed upon our swirling green and blue ball. Whatever may be out there, one thing is for certain: aliens have never ceased to intrigue us.
But where are all the alien costumes? We have enough demons and ghouls to keep them pleased until the second coming. But no aliens! They will not be pleased when they return.
Science Fiction is filled with more aliens than Disneyland is with kids. There are all types of aliens: big aliens, small aliens, blue aliens, red aliens, green aliens, hairy aliens, snooty aliens, drunk aliens, heroic aliens, barbaric aliens, etc. If you name it, it’s been done. Sci-fi is also packed with more action than an overdone haggis. Some scenes are truly spectacular, and even more spectacular are the cheesiest lines in cinema history. Obviously, the most famous examples of science fiction are Star Wars and Star Trek, but what about The Last Starfighter, Stargate, Battlestar Galactica, or Starship Troopers? Does the word “Star” automatically denote a good science fiction movie?
And if you thought sci-fi was crazy, wait until you delve into alien conspiracy theories. These range from claims that aliens are the gods of the mythos to aliens built the pyramids and everything in-between. It’s hard to keep it all straight.
Luckily, there’s a simple, quick, and easy method of determining how crazy a conspiracy is. Step One: are they wearing aluminum hats? If yes, the conspiracy is totally bonkers. If not, then it gets a little tricky.
Step Two: are they claiming the earth is in any way not spherical? Obviously, the earth is a sphere, so that should also be a tell-tale sign that the conspirator is off their rocker.
Step Three: how serious are they in claiming aliens were involved in human advancement? The more serious the involvement, such as building the pyramids, the more likely it’s bananas. The less involved ones, such as aliens are the ancient gods that visited earth a long time ago, are a little less crazy. Obviously, this one varies on a case-by-case level, so use good judgement.
Step Four: rinse your ears because you’ve probably just listened to a bunch of nonsense. Tell this person to go find something better to do, like actually going to space and proving their theories right and earning lots of fame, money, and the all-powerful, “I told you so.”
Now, the “I told you so” will really sting when I’m laughing in my little alien costume while the aliens brutally raze cities, enslaving humans by the thousands. Which is why we need more aliens, because if we don’t, then I’ll be all alone on this planet after the alien overlords have shipped all the non-alien dressed humans off to their pit mines on Planet Z. And being alone sucks. Poor aliens. Probably sitting bored and alone in their spaceships above us. You know, I’m starting to feel bad for them. Sitting up there hunched over waiting for the command to exterminate us. Cute little sadists.
Everyone knows that there are a billion stars out there, so which ones are most likely to hold life? According to NASA, K stars are the most likely to hold life. These are stars which are slightly cooler and less luminous than our sun. Considering that there are roughly 1,000 of these within 100 light years of our sun, we’ve got a pretty large search area.
Two years ago, in the throes of the coronavirus, then President Trump signed a COVID-relief bill that included an interesting little side-on snuck in there. All branches of the government had to tell everything they knew about aliens. And the big guns, literally, had massive news. No, not that aliens definitively exist, but close. Earlier this year, the military held a public hearing with congress where it disclosed all unclassified material relating to UFOs, or UAPs (unidentified aerial phenomenon), as the military calls them. These reports have been taken seriously for a while by the military.
Pilots are strongly encouraged to report anything they see, and some of it is pretty wacky. From aerial vehicles traveling way too fast without making a peep, to vehicles that appear to go underwater and then soar back up. Needless to say, they’ve seen some wild stuff. However, the military still says that there is no evidence of aliens, even though there are incidents they can’t explain.
So, the only logical solution is start a mass campaign of alien costumes. If we don’t start worshiping them by dressing ourselves as their royal selves, it could mean the end of humanity. I don’t think we’d be able to fly a jet into the center of their mothership again.
Aliens stretch way back, but there were a few crazes. The last one was in the 1990s, with The X-Files spearheading alien fanatics. If you don’t know, The X-Files is about two FBI agents who deal with aliens, murders, abductions, and many more topics that gave this show its 20 million viewers per week. The 90’s was also when movies such as Independence Day and Men in Black came out, adding to the fire.
I can’t talk about aliens without talking about E.T. It’s the story of an alien who finds himself trapped on earth and hunted by U.S. government agents. Luckily a young boy finds him first and is determined to help him out. After a very famous bike scene they manage to get E.T. back home. But not before a very emotional goodbye.
The aliens in E.T. were the nice aliens. They probably saw how hostile we were and immediately gathered an army. Now we must submit by dressing as their regal figures. All hail the alien gods! Bow down for they hath come at last to enforce their holiness. Bow down!
In the end, it’s like Santa Claus. If you believe aliens exist, then they exist. If you want to argue that among the billions of planets circling the billions of stars in the billions of galaxies in all the universe, that there was only one planet to produce life, then have fun trying to argue the logic of that. And if you believe that aliens are among us right now and there’s a secret government agency that contains and fights these aliens, then you may have just cracked the biggest secret in history.
Either way, wear an alien costume next year. If they are watching, I am sure they would enjoy feeling appreciated.